Heartbreak. Break up. Let down.
I’m sure we’ve all felt some sort of gut-wrenching feelings after experiencing any of the three things mentioned above.
So how do we get past those feelings? How do we stop feeling lonely and start feeling whole with nothing but ourselves?
Answer: Heal yourself.
And before you roll your eyes at my seemingly woo-woo answer, please know that healing through coming to understand your true self is in fact practical, possible, and functional.
You have to heal yourself before you can love yourself.
…and most importantly, you have to do those things before giving your whole self to someone else in a romantic or platonic relationship.
How We Can Heal
Step 1: Stop the Perpetuity
Is who you were, who you want to become?
Do you want to perpetuate the same poor behaviour you might have learned when you were younger, possibly from parents or guardians?
Maybe you grew up with role models or guardians who held particular beliefs or ideas about life that you don’t want for yourself. And that doesn’t have to mean the beliefs or ideas were bad ones, just that you don’t want them.
Maybe you saw broken/bad relationships around you, so you picked up some habits of those who were in the bad relationships. Well I am telling you to recognize that, although you never wanted to be like “mom, dad, big sister, or person X,” being around them and having relationships with them probably caused you to pick up some of their behaviour whether you like it or not.
So it is important to recognize AND write down, which traits or behaviours you do NOT want for yourself when it comes to being in relationships.
Then everytime you act in a way that exemplifies those traits, WRITE THAT EXAMPLE DOWN.
Eventually you’ll create a report card for yourself; you’ll record concrete evidence and feedback so you can accelerate your learning.
Step 2: Get to know YOU…again and again and again
Understand who the f*** you are.
What do you hold sacred based on your values? What are the beliefs that shape you? It is VERY IMPORTANT to note that these things will change throughout your life. And for that reason, you have to come to know what kind of person you are, at multiple points throughout your life.
Recognize that your adult self might be very different from your teenage or young adult self. If you reflect on who you are in each stage of your life, you will understand that what you wanted in a relationship as a 15 year old may no longer hold true.
To be clear here, I don’t mean that, at 15 you were into broad shoulders and a chiseled jaw, and now you’re into blonde hair and blue eyes. WHAT I MEAN IS, 15 year old you didn’t know what you know now. And when we gain knowledge, we adjust our beliefs, values, and wants accordingly.
Step 3: Accept that change is a must.
At the end of the day, people want to be in relationships with nice people. In fact, I don’t know anyone at all who is actually seeking out a miserable relationship.
Be someone that people want to be around.
If you recognized you need to change your behaviour or start hanging out with people who have values closer to yours, make those changes. And if you completed step 1, you should have a report card of your behaviour recorded to help you change.
Being a good person is hard, I get it. I like to think I put a lot of effort in to being kinder, more patient, and less confrontational everyday (YET I still have a LONG way to go). BUT my effort has attracted amazing people into my life whom I have formed relationships with.
At the end of the day, nobody wants a relationship with someone who is negative and inhibits their growth. So your big takeaway from this blog post is to NOT being that person.
Heal yourself, love yourself, and be the best version of you.
As always, Happy Monday ❤✌
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*Disclaimer: I am not a medical or mental health professional. Any information and content on my website is not a substitute for professional advice.